张北川说明：《你所不知道的“同妻”》（《环球时报》英文版，2016年2月22日，记者王涵），介绍了今日中国部分同妻的生存现状和我有关同妻的部分观点。推荐于此。
我还有些话要说。
随着我国的逐渐开放，近年来，有关男女同性爱/双性爱者及跨性别者（LGBT）的报道显著增多，但同妻很大程度上仍是一个被严重漠视的群体。
关于同妻生活的报道只展现了部分男同的一个侧面。仅从这个侧面看，男同阴险、狡猾、残忍、冷酷，极度自私。
如果读者以这种印象为男同社区画像，就完全错了。
在青岛，我认识两位现年八十岁以上的男同老人，他们一生拒绝进入传统婚姻。其中一人是我的老师秦士德教授（详见博文《秦士德教授》）1994年，秦老师写过短文《一个老年同性恋者谈“三不”》，强调“不婚”是男同生活方式的重大原则。他近年更进一步指出：“不伤害一个无辜女性，是男同非常重要的道德责任。”
中国男同中不止有一位秦士德老人等。我有多位优秀的中年男同朋友。虽然承受着性向歧视的重大压力，但他们善良、勇敢、正直、坚韧、敢于担当、热爱正义，集多种美德于一身，他们几乎把全部的自我奉献给了大众社会。他们是我非常敬重的人士，即便在一般民众（异性爱者）中，我也只见过极少几位像他们这样的利他主义者。
男同群体还有其它侧面。去年夏季的一个月里，我收到某三线城市一青年男同几次电话。30岁的他跪在自己父亲面前，流着泪讲出自己性向和自己不适合结婚，不想他父亲转身去厨房拿来了菜刀……（青年的讲述还涉及能置人死地的绳子和利剪……）我推荐那青年一家去了北京大学精神卫生研究所（北大六院）。之后青年告诉我，当专家告知无法改变青年性向时，他母亲“好像要晕过去了”。他父亲很冷静。“那家医院里有很多保安和警察”，他说，他父亲一出医院大门就破口大骂，“还说那个教授在宣传反人类的观点，是挂羊头卖狗肉的骗子，我们是来医院求帮助的，他们却往我们的伤口上撒盐。怪不得现在有那么多杀医生的，就是这些医院和医生自己搞的。”就在同一个月，某直辖市一青年又向我讲到“父亲去厨房，拿了菜刀出来……”
作为已婚男同群体，也有不同侧面。2月23日，一位已婚男同长信里向我讲了他的生活。他为了让妻子“性福”，自己咬着牙一次次吃“壮阳药”。他说，自己的情况对妻子是“不公正”的，并讲到严重的无奈和压抑。
以下再说同妻。我在一篇尚未完成的文稿中写了下面的话：
“要打碎性向歧视重枷，男同社区面前还有相当长的路，至少还有一道高坎，即挑战传统文化和文化传统，批判旧日的男同社区文化，建立得到女性主义支持的新型社区文化，停止制造同妻悲剧……只有打破性别歧视魔咒，坚决反对压迫女性，男同才能够在彩虹旗上写下平等、自由和公正等字眼。男同结婚主要是文化压迫的结果。然而目的的某种‘美好’，并不能为手段的恶劣辩护……即便饰满“孝文化”的鲜花，伤害女性的利爪，也很难被誉为美丽。遭遇性向歧视一旦成为伤害女性的正当伦理依据，就辱没了那些坚守自我和良知，拒绝伤害无辜者的男同的高尚和荣光。
“历史的大变革会颠覆旧道德的合理性，塑成善的新标准和新美德。中国大多数男同隐瞒性向与一般女子成婚，折射出农业社会婚姻生育观对男同社区的覆盖，人们的心灵还停留在农耕时代。目前在中国，在反性向歧视的战斗中，男同站在道德高地；但面对性别歧视，男同的道德双足却深陷泥淖。由夫妻（配偶）双方及子女组成的传统核心家庭是一种利益共同体。在这种共同体里生活，应当遵循某些道德准则，包括诚实、尊重、不伤害、公正等。令人欣慰的是，建构于当代文明和市场经济的新价值观正在男同社区浮现，平等自由的理念正在使越来越多男同拒绝传统婚姻，他们为维护男同社区的道德尊严树立了光荣榜样。”
希望更多男同朋友和更多善良而理性的异性爱人士携起手来，一起建设新文明！
在男同性恋周围，有一个弱势隐秘的群体，就是同妻。这些性取向正常的女性是怎样成为同妻的呢？与同性恋丈夫的婚姻生活有哪些困境？发现丈夫原来喜欢男人后，她们又经历过怎样的思想斗争和选择？带着这些问题，GT采访了三位同妻，并与同妻志愿者、张北川教授、杨绍刚律师一起探讨如何维护同妻权益。
你所不知道的“同妻”
The wives in the closet
By Wang Han Source: Global Times Published: 2016-2-22 18:28:01
当一名异性恋女性，与一名同志走入婚姻，后面的故事往往是心酸与悲剧的。
The tragedies and troubles of the women who unknowingly marry gay men
长期从事同性恋与艾滋病研究的青岛大学医学院教授张北川认为，中国大陆有1600万多名女性嫁给了同性恋或双性恋的男人。张北川教授长期关注并研究同妻相关的问题。
More than 16 million women in the Chinese mainland are currently, or have been, married to men who are gay or bisexual, according to a leading expert on AIDS and HIV, Professor Zhang Beichuan, of the Qingdao University. He has been researching and collating information as well as the often sad stories of these women who find themselves in relationships that involve secrecy and often abuse and violence.
尽管中国的同妻群体数量庞大,但多数同妻倾向保持沉默，不愿谈论自己的婚姻。
她们担心如果身边人知道她们嫁给一名同志，自己会沦为众人议论甚至歧视的对象。
Despite the numbers involved, most Chinese wives married to gay men stay silent about their situation fearing that they would become discriminated against or gossiped about if they go public.
环球时报英文版本次采访了三位同妻与前同妻。她们与同志丈夫的婚姻故事各不相同，但她们在婚姻中所经历的困惑, 痛苦与挣扎，又有相似之处。
To gain an insight into this rarely discussed problem, the Global Times talked to three women who found themselves married to gay husbands. They each have different stories and different relationships but all have suffered.
骗婚
Wives are unaware
张北川教授称，有80%的男同性恋者在中国迫于传统结婚和传宗接代的压力与女性结婚，但他们并不会在婚前告诉未婚妻自己是同性恋。
Zhang told the Global Times that about 80 percent of homosexual men in China get married because of traditional family values. But, in most cases, the wives of gay men are unaware of their husbands' sexuality before the marriage.
“很多男同性恋为了骗婚，与女性交往时非常善于伪装，可以假装喜欢女人，,和女性有亲密的身体接触，甚至定期和她们有性生活。但是一旦他们达到骗婚和传宗接代的目的，他们可能很快变脸，对妻子冷漠起来。有的男同就想找个文化水平低，思想单纯，性格老实的女人骗婚。”
He said some of the gay men were very clever at maintaining the deception. "During the dating stage, they pretend to be passionate about their girlfriends, and have close physical contact and regular sex with the women. But once they have been married and look conventional they can change their attitudes and become cold and indifferent to their wives," Zhang said.
刘洋(化名)，30岁，来自福建泉州。她和前夫经双方父母的牌友介绍认识。他们恋爱交往了一年，通常一周见一次面。但是作为一个基督徒,她在交往阶段和男友没有身体接触，更没有性的接触。
Liu Yang (pseudonym) is a 30-year-old Fujian Province woman who married a gay man. They had been introduced by a mutual friend of their parents. Over their year-long courtship, they usually met once a week, but, being a Christian, she didn't have any real physical contact with the man and certainly no sex.
这是刘洋第一次恋爱，她对男人并不了解，更没有能力去辨别男同和直男。她从没在交往阶段怀疑过前夫是名同性恋。她以为同性恋只在西方存在，中国没有。
“我还天真地以为自己遇到沉稳的好男人了，能尊重我的宗教信仰。”
"I would even thank him for respecting my religious beliefs," Liu said. She had no suspicions of her fiancé's sexuality - she believed that homosexuality only existed in the West and not in China.
晨晨，40多岁，来自哈尔滨。当她回忆起她与前夫相遇的经历，不禁哽咽。
Another woman, 40-something Chen Chen, from Harbin began sobbing when she talked about meeting her husband.
我父母的一个朋友给我安排了和前夫的相亲。介绍人说对方长相很英俊，家境良好，受过好的教育，叫我不要错过机会。我想就是吃顿饭，没什么，就去相亲了。
"A friend of my parents arranged a blind date for me, and said the guy was well educated, handsome and rich," Chen said. "I thought there was nothing to lose by just meeting him so I went out on a date."
但这一去，她就被相亲对象的颜值，性格和气质吸引了。男方和男方家长见到晨晨也非常满意，于是两个人就正儿八经谈恋爱了。这是晨晨的初恋。
To her surprise she found herself very attracted to the man, his personality, looks and manners. "He was happy with me so we began dating seriously," she said.
但她的恋爱过程远没有她期待的甜蜜和亲近。两年左右的交往中，男方从未拉过她的手，跟她拥抱，或是亲吻她。但她们婚前同居的时候有性生活。尽管男方恋爱期间就对她不冷不热，但她觉得自己努力，一定能够打动男方的心。
But their relationship wasn't as close as she hoped for. Over their two-year courtship the man never held her hands, or hugged her - though they did have sex. But the man's coolness seemed to fan her personal feelings and drove her to try to win him over even more.
晨晨也和自己身边好友抱怨过男友的冷漠和疏离。大家都说这男的不爱她，甚至有人提醒过这男的说不定是个同性恋。但晨晨都没有听进去，以为她能慢慢用爱感化男方。
She had complained to close friends about his indifference to me and they all said I should leave him - one friend actually suggested he might be gay. But I ignored them believing that my love would change him one day," Chen said.
相亲认识
Matchmaker introduction
来自青岛的郭芳今年已经50多了。她和同志丈夫的婚姻已经维持了近30年。1988年，她经人介绍，认识了她的同志丈夫。
Guo Fang (pseudonym) from Qingdao is in her 50s. She was married to a gay man for more than 20 years. In 1988 she was introduced to him by a matchmaker.
“恋爱交往的时候，我老公非常木讷，少言寡语。我们基本没什么交流，他对我好像也没多大的热情。但我家里人挺喜欢他。觉得他实在，看着靠谱，有门手艺可以养家，还有套婚房，不会让我吃苦。所以交往一年我们就结婚了。”
"My husband was very shy and quiet when we dated. We didn't talk much, and he wasn't passionate about me," she said. "But my family thought he was a reliable young man, because he had a skill that could make good money and he had a property for our marriage. So we got married after a year."
哈尔滨工业大学社会人类学研究小组历时3年，对中国国内网络活跃的“同妻群”中173人进行持续跟访调查，完成中国国内第一份系统关注“同妻”群体的研究报告。结果发现，超过9成的“同妻”受到过冷暴力、肢体冲突、严重家庭暴力等家庭暴力行为。同性恋丈夫是否有性生活”一项中，40.5%的“同妻”回答“半年少于5次”、34.1%的“同妻”回答“几乎没有”、“完全没发生”。但是，仅有三成同妻选择离婚。
A recent report from the Harbin Institute of Technology revealed that of 173 straight wives of gay men interviewed, around 30 percent had had no sex at all in their marriages, and almost 90 percent had suffered emotional or physical abuse from their husbands. Only about 30 percent had been divorced.
张北川教授指出，丈夫的冷暴力是同妻们最普遍的问题。
“同妻对我说的最多的感受就是她们婚姻 ‘很孤独’，‘很冷’。她们的丈夫很少会和她们有身体的接触，精神的交流，性生活就更少了。”
Zhang said that the most common complaint from these wives was of the long-term emotional abuse they suffered. "They told me their marriages were unbearably lonely. There were hardlyany kisses or cuddles, no affection and no sex with their husbands."
晨晨说丈夫总是对她很冷淡，不论是感情上还是身体上。“我们就像生活在一间房子里的两个陌生人，甚至比陌生人还疏离。”
Chen said her husband had always been cold to her, emotionally and physically - "It was like being two strangers living in the same house."
15年的婚姻中，她和丈夫一般半年甚至一年才有一次性生活。尽管她丈夫生理上并没有问题，但他总是会找理由拒绝夫妻生活。
During their 15-year-marriage, she and her husband only had sex once or twice a year. "Though there was nothing wrong with him he just found excuses to avoid having sex with me," Chen said.
郭芳也提到了丈夫婚后对她很冷漠。“我知道他这个人话不多，但是他几乎不主动关心我，哪有做丈夫的会这样。”
Guo had similar experiences. "I knew my husband was not a chatty person, but it was weird that he never showed any affection for me at all," Guo said.
郭芳还提到一件让她伤心的事情。“我快生我儿子那会儿，我和我老公还有他爸妈在一屋子里吃饭。吃着吃着，我就感觉很痛，感觉可能很快要生了。他爸妈很着急，叫他赶紧去村里找个接生婆。但是我丈夫一动不动，接着吃饭。看着我在一边难受，他竟然还吃得下去。”讲到这里，年过半百的她忍不住啜泣。
Then, when she was just about to give birth to their child, an incident nearly broke her heart. "We were having lunch that day with his family. When I had some pains and felt like I was about to give birth, everyone there was concerned and his parents asked him to get a midwife from the village. However he ignored this and just sat there continuing to eat his lunch while I was having contractions and couldn't move. A real husband wouldn't behave like this," Guo said.
同妻困境：抑郁，家暴，艾滋病风险
More domestic violence
张北川教授称，同妻和普通妻子相比，更容易被丈夫家暴。长期压抑自己性取向的男同性恋者，心理压力更大，也更容易把自己的压力与不满发泄到妻子身上。
Professor Zhang said that as well as the emotional abuse in these gay-straight marriages there was a 50 percent or more risk of domestic violence. These gay men were living such secretive lives and were experiencing a huge amount of stress. Often, to relieve their anger or depression they would physically attack their wives.
中南大学研究同妻问题的李现红副教授发现“同妻”的生活质量堪忧，指出在她接触的同妻中90% 抑郁症症状，其中10% 尝试过自杀。
Li Xianhong is an associate professor with the Central South University and found that 90 percent of the wives of gay men she had researched had suffered serious depression - 10 percent had tried to commit suicide.
更严重的一个问题是，同妻群体还面临更高的患艾滋病的风险。中国疾病预防控制中心数据显示，2015男性行为传播艾滋病毒例数占新发病例近三成，该人群是艾滋病感染率增长最快的人群。但另一项调查显示，艾滋病病毒阳性的已婚男男性行为者对配偶的阳性告知率不足一半。很多同妻没有意识到丈夫是同性恋，性生活中没有采取保护措施，被传染艾滋病病毒。
Another serious issue in gay-straight marriages is that the women are at risk of contracting AIDs. Figure from the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention in 2015 showed that 30 percent of new HIV cases occurred within the gay community. Other research showed that fewer than 50 percent of gay husbands affected with HIV would tell their wives or take precautionary measures.
虽然很多同妻是被“骗”进婚姻的，但在发现丈夫是同性恋后，她们还是有权利选择自己的后面人生该何去何从。
Obviously these women do not choose to marry gay men but when they realize their situation they have to choose how to handle the problem.
一部分同妻得知真相后，很快下定决心离婚，刘洋就是一个典型的例子。
Some immediately elect to divorce their husbands. Liu, for example, officially and amicably split from her husband four months after they were married.
她在采访中说，结婚两个月后，她丈夫就向她坦白自己是个同性恋，并称自己是受父母逼迫才找个女人结婚的。两人谈话后和平离婚了。
She told the Global Times, that two months after they were married her husband had confessed to her that he was gay. "He told me his parents had pressured him into marriage. We got divorced quietly without telling our friends or families beforehand."
离婚时，她并没有得到任何赔偿。“我这人对钱看得不重，当时我只想尽快结束这段没有意义的婚姻。”
She moved out without any financial settlement. "I didn't care about money. The only thing I wanted to do was to end my meaningless marriage as quickly as possible," Liu said.
但对另一部分同妻而言，哪怕得知真相后，也很难直接下定决心离婚。
But for some wives married to gay men divorce can be a major challenge. When Chen discovered her husband was gay she gave him a second chance to save their marriage.
晨晨看了一部同妻的纪录片后怀疑丈夫是同志。在她的追问下，丈夫最终也承认他不爱女人。而离婚这个决定，并没有她想的那么轻松。
“我不想我孩子在离异家庭长大，我想要给小孩一个完整的家。我也咨询过我的律师，离婚对我不利。我和丈夫的房车都是在他父母名下的，离婚后我几乎拿不到赔偿。而且我收入也很少，小孩多半会判给我丈夫。”
It was extremely difficult to decide on a divorce - I didn't want our child growing up in a broken home," she explained. "And the lawyers I consulted told me that I was at a disadvantage, because all of our property was in the names of my husband's parents. So I was much less likely to get a settlement for the divorce and my husband could be given custody of my child."
晨晨的丈夫也不同意离婚，担心自己名誉受损。她身边的家人朋友也劝他们别分开，为了小孩。
Her husband refused to divorce - he thought this would look bad for him in public. Their families and friends also pushed for them to stay together.
晨晨给了丈夫第二次机会去挽回这段婚姻。但她说丈夫还是很疏离，对她没有感情，甚至不给她钱补贴家用。
Chen gave him a second chance, but he continued to act as before. He behaved coldly toward her, there was no affection and he even refused to give her money for the household.
“说实话，我丈夫心并不坏。但因为我是个女人，不论我多么努力迎合他，他还是无动于衷。”今年2月，晨晨刚和丈夫离婚，从前夫家中搬出。
"Honestly, he's not a bad man. But, no matter how hard I try, he just can't treat me as a wife or even as a close friend," Chen told the Global Times. In February she divorced him and moved out from his apartment.
没有离婚的勇气
Divorce still shameful
然后，还有很大一部分同妻选择沉默，继续保持婚姻关系。张北川教授称，哪怕是在今天的中国，离婚还是被看成一件不光彩的事，尤其是对女性而言。
However, there are many wives who choose to stay in marriages even though they know their husbands are gay. According to Zhang, breaking free from these marriages is not easy in China where divorce can still be considered shameful, especially for women.
2000年前后，郭芳丈夫承认自己是同性恋。但至今，他们还是保持婚姻关系。尽管她知道丈夫是同性恋后就再也不和他发生性关系。她曾想过离婚，但为了儿子和自己的名声，她最终还是没提出离婚。
Guo still lives with her gay husband, though she no longer has sex with him after discovering his orientation. She once considered a divorce but, she decided not to end the marriage, to protect her son and her own reputation.
“我不想自己儿子在破碎的家庭里长大。以前在在我们那小地方，我老公的名声很好，大家都觉得他是个实在人。说他是同性恋，别人根本不信。如果我提出离婚，很多人估计会怀疑我偷汉子了。现在我这个岁数了，也就懒得离了。”
"I don't want my son growing up in a broken home," she said. And in our village my husband is regarded as a nice, honest person. No one would believe he was gay. If I wanted a divorce, most people would blame me, and might even suspect I was having an affair."
她曾把丈夫是同性恋的事情和家里几个哥哥说了，但所有人都反对她离婚的想法，说会给家族丢脸。此外，郭芳没有工作和收入来源，只能依靠老公的收入生活。
She did tell her brothers the truth but they also opposed the idea of a divorce, saying that would shame the family. She has no job, no money of her own and has to rely on her husband for everything.
对于自己被“骗婚”这事儿，刘洋有自己的解读。“我觉得这场婚姻悲剧的源头不在我，也不在我前夫。而是中国传统的异性婚姻和传宗接代的观念。只有同性之间的恋爱和婚姻关系被社会接受，那么骗婚的悲剧才会减少。”
"It wasn't my fault or my husband's fault. The blame for our disastrous marriage has to be on the traditional Chinese values of heterosexual marriage and procreation," Liu said. "Only when gay relationships are properly recognized will the tragedies of wives like this disappear."
自2010年10月起，刘洋就开始积极参与维护同妻权益的活动、会议和论坛，并在研讨会中代表同妻，讲述同妻的困境和需求。
Since October 2010, Liu has been promoting programs to help the wives of gay men and speaking for this group at seminars and forums.
“我觉得自己必须要站出来为同妻说话。我觉得很奇怪，艾滋病群体、同性恋群体都有人站出来为自己发声，为什么同妻群体那么沉默呢？如果我们自己都不敢说出自己的困境和需求，那么这个社会就不会注意到我们，更不会有人帮助我们。”
"I felt it was necessary to let the public hear the voices of these wives of gay men. Otherwise no one would realize the existence of this problem and there would be no help for us," Liu said. She sees this as a first step toward raising public awareness of the plight of these women.
无法可依
No legal definition
一些相关领域的律师，也逐渐看到中国法律在维护同妻权益方面的空白。
Some lawyers in China have also recognized the problem and work to defend the rights of these marginalized women.
杨绍刚是上海绍刚律师事务所的高级律师、原上海市政府参事，长期从事艾滋病和同性恋的诉讼和法律研究。他告诉记者，目前中国法律没有与同性恋相关的法律条款，更没有同妻相关的法律条款。
这也意味着，律师和法官在处理与同妻相关的案件时，没有任何可以参考的法律依据。因此，哪怕以隐瞒、欺骗的方式进入传统婚姻的男同侵犯了同妻的知情权、健康权、配偶权、爱情权和性权利，相当多同妻在离婚时，由于我国相关法律的空白，致使同妻在离婚时取证难、举证难、质证难，权益受到严重侵害却难以获得法律保护。
Yang Shaogang, a former counsellor with the Shanghai Municipal Government, and a senior lawyer specializing in cases involving homosexuality and HIV carriers, told the Global Times that current Chinese laws have no legal terminology for homosexuals, let alone a legal definition for wives of homosexuals.
This meant that lawyers and judges had no legal references when discussing cases involving wives of gay men. As a result, although most gay husbands deprive their wives of the rights to knowledge, affection and sex, in divorce courts the wives are disadvantaged and unlikely to be awarded fair compensation.
张北川教授还呼吁男同性恋群体提升自己的伦理道德，不要为了个人结婚或传宗接代的利益，伤害无辜的女性。他也呼吁媒体们加强对同性恋和同妻的正确宣传，让更多人对同性恋有正确认识，让更多女性了解到同妻的问题，并在恋爱交往中有防范的意识和技巧。
Zhang has also called for the gay community to improve its ethical education. "The issue of gay-straight marriages ultimately is a problem of ethics and morality. It is important to educate gays not to marry women for their own self-centered interests," he said. He would like to see more media coverage of the issue so that single women would be aware of the problems and might be able to avoid relationships with gay men.
原文新浪微薄，欢迎评论：http://www.weibo.com/metroshanghai?is_hot=1
原文链接，欢迎评论：http://www.globaltimes.cn/content/969785.shtml
